Senseless
by JaggedHands
Summary: One shot. Picks up straight after the shooting in 'Holden's Manifesto.' Amanda is trying to make sense of it all with Olivia is by her side.


Senseless

The blood coating her face and chest felt warm and sticky and the sudden smell of iron hit her nostrils and she tried not to breathe through her nose. She knew there was a high iron content in blood but she could never have imagined that it could be this strong, so strong, in fact, that the coppery smell invaded all her senses and completely consumed her. The thick substance slowly trickled down her jaw and the side of her neck, causing her to shiver and swallow hard as the sudden urge to vomit swept over her like a heavy blanket.

No, she would not lose it and make a fool of herself in front of her colleagues, in front of her boss. She had to hold it together.

The voices around her, mixed with the sirens, were hard to distinguish. Standing frozen, she knew that the people around her were talking, shouting and throwing orders left and right but to her, to Amanda, they all sounded so very far away, as if her head was under water and all the sounds from above the surface were muffled and hard to make out. She felt as though she was drowning, sinking further and further down an endless pit and her lungs and brain was screaming for oxygen.

Everything around her seemed to stop existing and things appeared to be happening in slow motion. Her heart was beating so hard and fast within her chest that the sound of it was close to deafening to her own ears and she was almost ceratin that everyone in the room could hear it.

She hadn't seen the shot coming. If she had she would've done her best to stop it by redirecting the young man to another area within the room or even try to disarm him herself. For a long time she had talked to him, making him believe that he held all the cards, he was in charge of the situation and he was the only one who could put a stop to it all if he would just put his gun down instead of pressing it against a teenage girl's temple, threatening to end her life there and then.

Eventually, thanks to Amanda's skillful convincing tactics, he did release his hostage but also demanded that Nick, Amanda's partner, would leave the room. With only the two of them left, the blonde detective had inched herself closer to the young man, her hands in the air, showing him that she ment no harm and that she was unarmed. She was getting to him, she could see it in his eyes as she searched his gaze, how he slowly crumbled and started to believe her words about him being a real man, that he was special but that all the girls and young women were too vein and stuck up to realize it and see him as the ladies man that he really was.

She had convinced him to kiss her. Just one single kiss could've changed the whole outcome of this horrible situation. Just one kiss could've put him in a spot where Amanda could've overpowered him and taken him down safely herself. Just one kiss would've distracted him enough to secure the scene and end this once and for all. Just one kiss could've changed everything, and he could still be alive, but it never got that far because a rooftop sniper had followed orders, aimed and pulled the trigger and the young man's brain matter was now scattered on the walls, ceiling, floor and Amanda's face.

Anyone who took a quick glance at Amanda could easily tell she was in shock. Her body was cold and rigid, chest heaving heavily from her laboured breathing and her pale features created a stark contrast towards the crimson dripping stains. She was cold and shivering, her bones were aching from the frozen state she was in, rattling like a threatened rattlesnake, trembling like a leaf and she didn't even flinch as Fin, her coworker, stepped into her line of vision, too much in shock to react to his words and touch.

His lips and mouth was moving but she couldn't make out what he was saying. He was talking to her but the sound of his voice was muffled, like he was positioned a great distance away and it was difficult for the sound to travel all the way to where she was standing but she knew that wasn't the case. They were only standing a few inches from each other but she still couldn't make out his words until she felt a warm soft hand on her blood free cheek. It wasn't Fin's hand, she knew his touch and it was steardy and firm but this hand, this touch, was different.

She was suddenly yanked back into reality when the concerned face of her boss came into view and the gentle hand on her cheek matched the gentle voice. It was Olivia.

"Amanda, honey, you okay?"

She didn't answer, couldn't answer, but when Olivia grabbed one of her icy hands in hers, a strange unrecognizable strangled sound escaped her dry throat, causing even herself to frown at the raspy unfamiliar noise. Liv turned towards Fin and Nick, who was now back inside the room to see how his partner was doing, gave them both a solemn expression while saying something to them that she couldn't hear or comprehend. The two male detectives reluctantly nodded and made themselves scarce, leaving Olivia, herself and about twenty odd other people from different task forces, trying to close the case, debating how to avoid the press and people to clean up the messy crime scene.

"Come on, Amanda, let's get you out of here and cleaned up." gently she roped an arm around Amanda's stiff form and began to lead her out of the building. As soon as the front doors opened, camera flashes, reporters, bystanders and IAB bombarded them both with questions and their unwelcomed presence and all Olivia could do was to shrug out of her jacket and tenderly draped it over Amanda's head and face, wanting to give her some privacy and provide her with a sense of security and respect.

Tucker didn't waste any time and came straight up to the sergeant, making his needs and wants quite clear. "I need your detective to go through the paper work on the shooting." he simply stated, directing his words straight at the brunette as if Amanda wasn't there at all.

Liv stopped, pulled the blonde tighter against her side and shot daggers at the slightly older man, hoping he would sense her deliberate hostility. "It can wait. She needs to get out of here and cleaned up. I'll take her down to your office when she's ready, Lieutenant." she could feel Tucker's eyes burning at the back of her neck as she walked them both down the street towards her car, Amanda was her priority, not some bureaucratic bullshit.

The blonde sat in the passanger seat as Olivia drove, silent and apathetic, not taking any notice of where they were going until Liv pulled up in front of a big apartment building that didn't look familiar. "Where... I... not my place." Amanda finally managed to say, her words stuttered as she slowly began to come around and take in her surroundings.

Liv smiled faintly at her detective's flailing words as she parked up and killed the engine. "That's right, it's my place." she gently informed, exited the vehicle and walked around to offer the younger woman a helping hand. "We'll get you cleaned up in no time, okay! Come on, just take it nice and easy."

As Olivia helped her to her feet, Amanda wanted to protest but her ability to speak had not yet fully returned and she couldn't form a coherent sentence. "It's... I... not... I'm..."

"It's okay," Olivia interrupted, easing Amanda's frustration, "I promise you, it's okay."

Agreeing to her boss's terms, she entered the building on shaky legs, silently thanking her sergeant for the physical support, knowing she wouldn't have made it inside without her. Liv pressed for the elevator, praying that no one would be inside, knowing that Amanda's appearance must look very frightening and upsetting for anyone who saw her. Her wish seemed to have been granted as the confided area was empty and with a sigh of relief she stepped inside with a hand placed comfortingly on Amanda's lower back.

As soon as they entered Liv's warm and peaceful apartment, the blonde instantly felt more at ease and her body began to relax slightly, causing the adrenaline to slowly leave her system, making her legs even more shaky, her hands to tremble and her head to spin. Liv seemed to notice her distress and came to her rescue quite fast, guiding her in the direction of the bathroom where she could get cleaned up.

"I'm gonna give you some of my sweats to wear so you can shower. There are clean towels in the linen closet inside, just help yourself to anything you need in there. I'm gonna make us some tea while you're in there. Call me if you need me, okay?"

Amanda could only nod as Liv gently ushered her inside and closed the door behind. Alone, cold and shivering, Amanda glanzed at herself in the mirror above the sink and gasped at the sight. Half her face and neck was covered in blood which had began to crust and crack in places, causing the dried substance to flake and fall off. Her face was deathly pale, some of the blood had caused her hair to clump together and was now sticking to her forehead like glue and she knew it would take a good amount of shampoo and water to wash it all out.

As the adrenaline left her body, she could feel how tired and weak she was getting by the second and showering suddenly seemed like an impossible task but she knew she had no choice but to get undressed and just get it over and done with. Cold water was more effective when it came to washing off blood and Amanda stood under the ice cold spray, shivering violently due to the low temperature, however, she didn't care. All she needed and wanted was for the blood to come off as quickly as possible, not leaving one single dried droplet behind. When she was done and slid the glass cubicle door open, she realized that Olivia must've come back inside to place some warm clean clothes on the toilet seat for her to wear, her old blood stained ones were missing and she couldn't wait to pull them on, to give her body some much needed warmth.

There was also a hairbrush placed neatly on the sink and she absentmindedly begn to pull it through her wet tangled tresses until all the knots and kinks were dissolved and straightened out. Exhausted, she opened the door and headed towards the kitchen where she knew she would find her boss.

"Hey, you look cleaner." the brunette smiled but her face turned serious as she spotted the ghostly white shade on Amanda's face and how her body shook from cold, shock, relief or pure exhaustion and she was by her side in an instant. "Easy, honey, come on, let's get you seated on the couch and I'll bring the tea. It's okay."

Amanda hadn't uttered a word since they had stepped inside the apartment and her silence was beginning to worry Olivia slightly. As they sipped their steaming herbal brew, she noticed the blonde woman's distant stare and how she clutched at the mug between two icy hands. "Amanda, please, talk to me. What are you thinking? What are you feeling?" she kept her voice low and soft, trying to sound as inviting and trusting as she possibly could, not wanting to scare her detective away.

Amanda had to close her eyes as she felt the all too familiar stinging sensation of building tears, her bottom lip quivered faintly and her hands, holding the half full cup of tea, began to shake and Olivia had to remove it and place it on the table to avoid any spillage. "It's okay, Amanda." she shifted closer to her friend and colleague, studying her facial expressions and could easily tell that she was at breaking point. "You can cry."

It was almost as if Amanda had been waiting to hear those words and as soon as they had reached her ears she crumbled, wrapped her arms around her middle, lowered her head, to avoid eye contact with her boss, and let the threatening sobs free, the cries filling the room. "I... I almost... had him! I... I almost... I..."

"Oh, baby! I know, I know, it's okay." Olivia soothed, gathered the sobbing blonde into a secure embrace and pulled her impossibly close. "You did all you could and no one blames you, sweetie, no one. It wasn't your fault." she rocked her friend from side to side, listening to her heartbreaking cries and sobs that tore through the silent apartment, hushing her and comforting her the best she could. "I'm so sorry that you have to go through this, honey. Just remember that we're all here for you for whatever you need. We'll get through this together, you and me, Fin and Nick, we're all in your corner. Just take as much time you need." she cooed into a nearby ear, frowning slightly as she felt the petite body in her arms shiver.

"T... Tu... cker. I... I have to... I..." the words were almost impossible to form no matter how hard she tried but if she croaked out the vital ones, Olivia could fill in the blanks.

"Shh, don't mind him, he can wait. He can wait, sweetheart, you couldn't. You needed to get away from there to recharge your batteries and here we are, safe and sound in my apartment and you have nothing to worry about except yourself."

Amanda trembled in her arms and it was obvious to Liv that the initial shock was leaving her body causing it to involontary shake and quiver. "I'm gonna get you a blanket, alright? I'll be right back." she eased herself out from the tight and snug embrace and surprisingly Amanda let out a whimper of dislike. "I'll be as quick as I can, sweetheart, but I need to get you warmed up." she stopped suddenly and gazed down at the huddled form on her couch. "I think the bed would be a better option, what do you think? Come one, I'll help you."

Looking at the outstretched hand a few inches away, Amanda suddenly felt insecure and scared. It wouldn't feel right to sleep in her boss's bed, in her boss's clothes after taking a shower in her boss's bathroom. It just didn't sit right with Amanda but, on the other hand, lying down in a warm soft bed didn't sound too bad either since her whole body craved for a break, somewhere to rest and just forget about what had happened for a while. She was torn between her needs and wants, right from wrong and her heart from her head, cursing silently at herself for being so complicated when it came to decision making sometimes.

"Amanda?" Liv gently urged, her hand still hovering in the air, waiting for the blonde to take it. "It's okay." she stated, as if she knew what Amanda had been thinking in that very moment.

Slowly, she guided the younger detective into her bedroom and helped her to lie down underneath the thick and warm covers, debating whether she should stay until she fell asleep or not. However, the decision was made for her as the blonde reached out, wrapped her fingers around Olivia's wrist and looked at her with teary eyes. "Wi... will you... stay?"

Liv knew that it must've been very hard for Amanda to ask for reassurance and comfort, something that other people took for granted, and Olivia promised herself that she wouldn't leave the blonde woman's side until she knew for certain that she would be okay. "Of course I'll stay." she gently whispered, brought her hand out and brushed wet tresses away from Amanda's tired face.

As she sat on the edge of the bed, gazing down at her detective while still running her fingers through damp curls, she found herself nodding off, her head heavy and her eyes dry. She couldn't ignore the fact that she would probably collapse on top of Amanda if she didn't lie down soon. Carefully, she slid in underneath the corvers next to the half asleep woman and made sure she was all tucked in and shielded from any drafts that might disturb her sleep.

She was on the verge of falling into a restful slumber when Amanda's small voice broke the silence. "He was only a kid. Why did it... have to happen?"

Liv turned her head to look at her friend and saw a wave of fresh tears rolling down her temples and landed on the pillow bellow. "I know, sweetheart, I know it's hard to find some kind of reason or meaning in all of this." there was nothing she could say to make things better or for Amanda to hurt any less. She could only offer her presence and constant reassurance but she wasn't sure how much help it provided.

"There's no reason, no meaning and no sense in it." Amanda whispered back, her eyes staring at the ceiling while the salty drops continued to fall. "Senseless." she stated quietly. "So fucking senseless." her words broke as a sob ripped through her throat and tore at Olivia's heart so much that it physically hurt.

Tenderly, she wrapped her arms around the still trembling form, pulled her close and guided her head onto her shoulder, rubbing her back in a soothing manner. "Shhh, try not to think about it, sweetheart, just close your eyes and rest."

"I can't," she choked, "every time I close my eyes I see him. I couldn't save him, Liv! Why couldn't I save him?" she cried heavily, gulping for air as each sob ended and the next was just about to start.

Olivia kissed the blonde tresses underneath her chin and held on even tighter to her precious woman in her arms. "Oh honey! It's not on you. This is not your fault, you did everything you could. No one knew that the sniper was taking the shot until after it happened. He followed orders and he pulled the trigger, not you."

Amanda shook her head and shivered. "But I was so close. If I had more time then maybe he would..."

"Stop those thoughts, right away, Amanda. If our roles had been reversed, if I was the one facing Holden, would you blame me for his death? Would you think that I caused it?" she needed Amanda to understand that she had no control over what had happened, especially outside of that room.

"I... I wouldn't have to because you would've been able to talk him out of it. You could've done it, Liv. I couldn't." her voice sounded empty and defeated and she buried her face in Olivia's chest, the older woman feeling the warm tears prickle her skin.

"Amanda, you forget that we could see everything that happened in that room and, what you did, what I witnessed, I could never have done that. You were doing everything just right, the way you let him believe he was in control, the way you spoke to him and the way he responded to you. You were his best chance, Amanda, and he would've walked out of there alive if that bullet hadn't hit him so, please, don't blame yourself for something you didn't do."

Amanda let the words sink in and let herself believe for a second that Liv was right. Maybe it wasn't her fault? She couldn't have known that the sniper was going to take the shot? Could she ever forgive herself? Would she ever be able to close her eyes and not see him in front of her? There was only one way to find out.

As her eyes closed, Olivia continued to speak soothingly to her, touching her and comforting her to the best of her ability, lulling her into a much needed sleep and, thanks to the brunette's tender and gentle way of consoling her, she eventually drifted off.


End file.
